It is hard to feel that you are alone. It is sad and scary. But everyone feels alone sometimes.

You might think that nobody likes you or that no one understands you. But guess what? You are not alone, because everyone has INTRUSIVE thoughts and negative feelings from time to time.

A normal case of the blues can become worse, even dangerous, when a bully gets involved. Bullying is when a kid is picked on, harassed, threatened or made to feel unsafe over a period of time. Being bullied is not the same as having a disagreement with a peer or classmate.

When another kid is bothering you, that does not necessarily mean that he or she is a bully, according to Katey McPherson, a childhood advocate and education consultant. She says that when kids do not get along, it is not always a bullying situation.

Just like adults, sometimes “kids can be mean, annoying and rude,” she notes. “I think as adults, we need to redefine what bullying is and isn’t,” says McPherson. “We have to be very intentional about recognizing that these brains are very young. They don’t have mature life experience. And that conflict is inevitable.”

McPherson spent 25 years in K–12 schools as a teacher, counselor and administrator. She says that the adults who deal with kids in conflict spend a lot of time trying to determine who is the aggressor and who is the victim. Often, it is just two immature brains struggling with tough emotions, she explains.

Conflicts are normal and a part of life, and it’s important for kids to have “adverse experiences that they can recover from so that they are developing a sense of stress tolerance. Because they’re going to have stress throughout their life,” says McPherson.

“What we know about kids right now is some kids are chronically stressed. Some kids are under toxic stress. And so if we can teach them this stress tolerance, (it) leads to resiliency,” she says.

We Are All So Stressed These Days!

U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has issued advisories warning that today’s kids and parents are under a lot of stress, and this can negatively affect their mental health. McPherson notes that parents’ stress can trickle down and affect kids. Kids who feel such negative emotions or anxiety may act out, and that’s why it is vital for kids to have what McPherson calls an “emotional blueprint.”

McPherson says academic rigor can be a major source of stress for kids. She notes that a focus on academics “can be a good thing, but it needs to be balanced with rough and tumble play and radical downtime.”

She says on modern schoolyards, unfortunately, play is often limited. Adults are warning kids not to run too fast, not to push too hard, and not to play too rough. “They’re saying those things in the name of safety, but it’s actually reducing the natural aggression and feelings kids have to just get some of that yuck out,” laments McPherson.

Another issue for today’s kids is “the stress of online platforms, especially for middle and high schoolers and even, I’d argue, fourth- and fifth-graders,” McPherson points out. She says kids comparing themselves to others, feeling they need to keep up with peers and CURATE an acceptable social media image can be a big source of stress for kids.

To cope with stress and keep things on an even keel, it’s important to have an emotional blueprint, says McPherson. “I really encourage families to model healthy coping skills, appropriate outlets.” These outlets include things like making art, writing, breathing, reading, exercising or listening to music.

McPherson says that parents and other adults should model healthy outlets and have “those conversations with kids at young ages. Like when you’re angry or sad, what is one thing that you can do? And hopefully by (middle school) we’ve got like four or five different things that are like their go to muscle when they’re feeling stressed out.”

McPherson says that teaching young kids the vocabulary to describe conflict starts building their emotional blueprint. Then, you can shore up the foundation with hugs!

“When you look at the four pillars of early childhood development, it’s nature, movement, physical touch and connection,” says McPherson.

“I teach kids…before you leave for school, give your mom or dad or caregiver an eight-second hug.” She notes that hugs, and even high fives or elbow bumps, with people you care about give you a beneficial boost. So McPherson advises an eight-second hug in the morning and an eight-second hug at night.

Must Stop Bullying

The website MustStopBullying.org has resources for kids and adults. Kids are reminded to respect everyone and to be kind. That includes thinking before you speak or act, realizing that everyone is unique and different, and sharing compliments with your peers and apologizing for past mean behavior.

Kids are advised to stand up for themselves by using their voice! That could mean using a calm voice to tell someone to stop when they are being hurtful or walking away. You might talk to a trusted adult and make a plan for what to do if you feel that you are being bullied.

If you are a bystander and think that you see someone being bullied, there are things you can do. You can write a positive note to the kid who is being bullied. You can try to be a friend to them by sitting with them at lunch or on the bus.

When you see bullying, you can tell the bully to stop or you can go to get an adult. You should not HESITATE because you are afraid to be labeled a tattle-tale. According to PACER Center, there is a difference between tattling and telling—tattling is done to get someone in trouble, while telling protects yourself or others from getting hurt.

For more resources, check out:

MustStopBullying.org

www.pacer.org

StopBullying.gov

Click for a Stop Bullying Activity: